I have questions. So much of life has been happening at break-neck speed while also dragging along. How is that possible? I mean, it’s June already. Wasn’t it just March?
My ex-husband has been gone for three months. Three months. And yet, we have barely scratched the surface of what still needs doing. And, we’ve done a bunch of stuff. How are both of those things true? I want the kids to be able to move on and grieve properly. I thought I was done taking care of his shit. Alas, there’s more to do.
If that wasn’t enough
Work has become, well, work. And the people above me have seemingly become, how do I say this politely, not very supportive. Between dealing with the aftermath of the untimely death, followed by (gasp) actually taking a vacation, I’m drowning, burned out, and completely unable to cope with much of anything. The entire time I was away, I was trying to troubleshoot work things and lead things from my phone. Unsuccessfully. Became more paranoid by the day.
A junior staffer thinks she knows better than I, and inserted herself in the mix, talking all manner of who-knows-what to who-knows-who. Got back and have spent the entirety of the last two months on the defensive. Expected to read minds and know what people want from me. I get dinged for not having done that part. I get dinged for not being energetic. Was told I wasn’t being a strategic thought leader. Now I’m really examining whether the stress of the last what seems like forever is actually worth it.
I have questions.
How do tired people fake it? I’m dead-ass exhausted. How is my brain supposed to have thoughts, let alone strategic thoughts? Someone thirty years younger than me is talking shit while earning kudos for self-promoting. The woman is a train wreck but that apparently is only evident to me. How do I even deal with that?
Health shit, literally
I have questions.
I’m making good on my promise to take care of my health. Had my colonoscopy this week. Wiped me right out. What does it mean if the polyps that were removed were considered pre-cancerous? Should I be concerned? Here I am, getting my check-ups and screenings and finding out that my colon was harboring dangerous fugitives. I just got the pathology report in my healthcare portal. The gastro hasn’t called or sent any messages yet. She was positively cheerful when she told me I had to come back in three years. I had to go to Dr. Google to understand what the report said. And it’s still unclear. You just never know what’s hiding amongst the shit. Probably more shit.
Happy shit
I still have questions.
Parts of my life are surprisingly wonderful. I’m preparing to buy another house. In another country. The deposit gets sent on Monday. We’re talking to agents who can help with the move. We’re getting quotes. We’ve booked the airfare. We’re getting married. Well, at least there is a concept of a wedding. Are we going to be able to get all of it done in four months? That just seems like no time at all. Will Dave’s investments retain their value between now and closing? The orange shit stain keeps mucking everything up. I haven’t told the children about the wedding part. Yet. When do I do that? And we’re going away in August. How will anything get done? Didn’t I just pack up a whole house and move?
I’d love to be able to only focus on the happy shit, and not worry about the other shit. But that’s another question: will there always be other shit? Probably.
Don’t feel obligated to answer any of these questions. They’re rhetorical, obviously. Lately, it feels like there’s more questions than answers. Isn’t that always how it is?
