Ever curious about motivations and behavior, I took the Enneagram assessment back in early March, when I was feeling “off” and trying to process the sudden death of my ex-husband. Things at work had been strange, and as always, I thought it was just me. A group of colleagues were talking about how our subconscious plays a role in how we show up and someone asked about Enneagrams. Curious, I completed the assessment.
My Enneagram says I am a Two. Predominantly, at least.
Woo, boy.
Where do we even begin.
First, let’s look at the types covered in this little exercise. There are Body Types – 8,9, and 1 – the people whose gut rules their decision-making, near as I can figure – and those are people who are primarily driven by anger. Kinda thought that one would score high for me; as it is, my body type scores are in the mid-60 percentages. So definitely figures into my personality, but these are not the leading traits. Interesting.
Then there are the Heart Types – 2,3, and 4 – Yeah, see that 2 jutting way out there like it is reaching for the last cookie way up on the top shelf? Oh yeah, that’s me all right. I will warn you, I did not like a lot of what the report said, but it definitely made sense. These people are driven by their emotions and desire for connection with others. They are quite literally ruled by their hearts; empathetic to a fault. Their prime emotional driver is sadness (!!!) – and their empathy and tendency to actively connect with others is their way of alleviating their sadness. Oof.
Finally, the Head Types – 5,6 and 7 – more jutting occurring here – are the intellectuals and overthinkers of the group. They tend to analyze and rationalize their emotions, using logic as their filter. And get this – their primary emotional driver is fear, even if they do not consciously experience fear on the surface – it is the app running in the background. I suppose the more curious thing to note is how underdeveloped the 5 is in comparison to 6 and 7 who are just jumping up and down and waving their arms around yelling, “Yes! I am a big deal!” and “Get ready, 2, we are right behind you!”
Let’s talk about 5. Apparently 5 is all about scarcity – fear that there is not enough to go around. My 5 is clearly stunted, so scarcity is no longer a thing for me, which is great. I suspect that little sliver would have been a huge plank if I had taken this test about 6 years ago. I lived for a long time in fear that there wasn’t enough – enough time, enough money, enough space. Seeing that this bit is the lowest scoring section is cause for celebration.
Let’s talk about the two
At first the two seems benign, quaint in a way. The test results explain it this way: “Twos want to be liked and find ways that they can be of service to others so that they can belong. They have a strong need to be affiliated with others, and pursue acceptance by being kind, caring, and helpful. They are highly altruistic and empathetic and often have an intuitive sense of what other people need and want. They sometimes give too much of themselves because they are so eager to be connected with others.”
Seems downright wholesome, doesn’t it? Caring, giving, service-oriented. Explains why I am most at home in the non-profit environment and have serious issues with anyone whose sole purpose in life is to make a profit on the backs of others. So this makes perfect sense. But there is a dark side to this wonderful, empathetic personality type. Note the language used: strong need to be affiliated with others; find ways to be of service so they can belong. Twos are altruistic with motive. Service and helpfulness are a means to an end – to be liked, to be connected, to belong.
What happens when all this giving is not reciprocated or appreciated? Here’s the dark side, and it gave me quite a bit of pause. Here is the assessment:
“Deep down, the Two would like their efforts to be recognized and appreciated. Twos are capable of manipulating others to get the recognition they think they deserve, and they can quickly flip into anger if they feel undervalued. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can easily succumb to feelings of rejection if there’s no reciprocation of their tender care and affection.”
Ouch. Felt some painful recognition of behavior there. It goes on:
“Despite their concern for others, Twos struggle to recognize their own needs and they do not like to ask for help. There’s a tendency for Twos to spend so much time looking after others that they forget to take care of themselves. In fact, Twos can go into complete denial about their own wants and desires. They often experience boundary issues, where they find themselves doing things they do not necessarily want to do in order to be indispensable to others. Most Twos have trouble saying ‘no.’”
Holy shit. My whole first marriage in a nutshell. Hell, I probably knew, on some level, that I chose this person precisely because I could be helpful, indispensable, even. And when all my attention, care and selflessness weren’t appreciated or reciprocated, we all know what happened. I have chosen many things because they fulfill this need to be needed. I am most myself when I am solving other people’s problems and making order out of chaos.
I once took a job because the hiring manager seemed so overwhelmed that I *knew* I could be helpful and make myself indispensable. Not because I wanted the job – I did – but mostly because I was so obviously needed.
If I look at my core behaviors across the many facets of my life, I can see the Two dominating: in my romantic relationships, I gave everything until I forgot who I was or what dreams I had and operated in complete service to whatever the dominant person wanted or felt; in my role as a parent, I tried to anticipate every need, obstacle or upset and serve as the barrier between the kids and their other parent or whatever thing was vexing to them; at work, I attached my self-worth and ability to whether or not the boss thought I was exceptional. None of these scenarios was healthy for me or the other people in them. Inevitably, something gives. In many cases, it was me. I have been exhausted and burned out for so many years, it’s hard to remember when I wasn’t.
Is there an upside?
Despite how bleak all of this looks, there are ways to temper the Two. Recognizing boundaries, and enforcing them, is one way. Allowing those closest to me to live their own lives, make their own way, and stop trying to be prescriptive is another. It is possible to be a supportive parent without dictating how the kids live their lives. The most important, though, is the choice of life partner and their ability to help course correct when things get tough. When you have a partner that reminds you of you – and that situations and circumstances are temporary – you have a counterbalance to your insanity, and you return to a place where you can breathe.
At some point, it’s knowing that one’s sense of self-worth is not tied to others or external forces, that makes the difference. Boundaries in all areas of life are important. When I am under extreme stress, I have to catch myself from assigning so much importance to people and circumstances that have little to no consequence on my future self. I have to stop myself from spiraling, and ask: in a year, will this situation or these people have a dominant space in my day-to-day life? In five years, will I remember this season in the same way I am experiencing it now? When I am 80, will any of this matter?
More often than not, the answer to all of these questions is a resounding “no.”
My Enneagram says I am a Two. My goal in the last third of my life is to use the wings and arrows to my advantage; to overcome my innate tendency to be risk-averse so I can take advantage of my ability to anticipate the future and take the scary steps to achieve the future I see for myself. I want to temper my people-pleasing and instead, take care of my own health and wellbeing. I want to be in a partnership where, while I am appreciated for what I bring to the relationship, its function is not entirely dependent on me.
Here’s the upside: in the right circumstances, and the right environment, the negatives can be overcome and the positives can introduce real change. Uncertainty does not immediately mean unsafe. Ambiguity does not mean I have to jump into action and ensure stability. It’s liberating when you realize that whatever happens, somehow, it will all work out for the best. Even if the outcome is not what you expect or desire.
I have wise friends. More than one of them has told me recently that circumstances that do not align with the path I am on will change until they are aligned. And that change may be difficult or painful in the moment, but the reward will make it all worth it.
I’m still a Two. But life is fluid, and people evolve. I am evolving.
