Day #350 of Social Distancing – Perception vs. Reality

This gorgeous photo was taken this morning at a site that just a week ago was ice as far as the eye could see. In just seven short days, that icescape was transformed. I will tell you, though, it was just as cold this morning as it had been a week ago – and the ground was crunchy with ice, the mud spiked with tiny earth icicles.

We, my hiking companion and I, were talking about writing and how it is infinitely easier to write when one is enraged about something, or feeling low about something. I hadn’t been feeling especially enraged or depressed lately. Well.

In our casual conversation, my hiking companion was sharing how she is perceived by the people she works with (mostly white men) because she is unapologetic about her intelligence, her strength, her female-ness and her Blackness. She has heard that people who don’t know her well think that she is “scary” and that, because she does not suffer fools or want children, she must also be a lesbian. She finds this curious, because who she is in reality has no resemblance to the perception. 

Brace yourself, because here comes the rant.

Why is it that women who do not pretend to be enthralled by men, or do not present themselves as demure and diminutive, are perceived as “scary” or are presumed to be lesbian? There is so much covert racism and misogyny in those perceptions to unpack there. And while we’re at it, what’s wrong with being a lesbian? I see no issues there. Why is not wanting children a trait of lesbianism? It simply is not. The all-too-familiar “angry-Black-female” trope disguised in the “scary” comment lit the rage-fire in me as we talked. Who ARE these imbeciles? Can I please go pop them in the mouth? A throat punch or two may be in order.

My friend is young, she is still in her twenties. She is in the male-dominated field of IT and even more male-dominated discipline of civil engineering. When she was telling me about this, she was very matter-of-fact, simply relating perceptions people have of her who don’t know her well; judgements made based on what she believed is her “I-don’t-take-anybody’s-shit” attitude. Perhaps. And perhaps the microaggressions were hiding there in plain sight, too. That she did not immediately see them for what they are gave me pause. She simply accepted it as how things are. 

Women, it turns out, are discouraged from being independent from men, and women who are very clearly not dependent on men for their self-esteem or are not all about being wives and mothers are to be regarded with suspicion. Women must also pretend to defer to men, even when the woman is the expert. To be counseled to not be so aggressive in their dealings with men, as it is off-putting. Women who are deferential are more palatable and more promotable. I remember a period in my career when I was advised by my older male superior to “tone it down” and be “assertive, not aggressive” in my dealings with another (older) male colleague – who, by the way, had seniority – because I made him uncomfortable. WHAT? That was less than ten years ago. LESS THAN A DECADE AGO. My crime? Disagreeing with him on an approach to promoting a non-profit to corporate entities. Let’s not point out that I was the marketer, not him; and he had no prior sales and marketing experience, which I did. But I disagreed in a team meeting and it made him feel bad. So, instead of the boss telling the guy to grow a set and get over himself, I was admonished for being too aggressive. 

When a man’s tenuous hold on authority is questioned or challenged, WHETHER OR NOT he is the authority, he is on the defensive. A man must not be made to look bad or feel bad publicly, much less by a woman. YET! That same woman must be assertive. (Was it something I said?) 

Here’s the stark reality: women, regardless of their race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation, are the ones keeping the lights on, ensuring that people are clothed and fed and children educated (we’re trying), and what remains of the tatters of our democracy intact. We’re the ones expected to hold it all together. And our Black and Brown sisters have borne the brunt of this shit doubly for centuries. 

This shit has got to stop. Can you tell I was triggered?