Day #384 – Happy Easter, Recent Readings and Hitting The Wall

It’s Easter Sunday for the Western Christian tradition. It’s also Spring in the Northeast, which means the sun is shining, birds are singing, flowers and trees are blooming, and when the wind blows, you may still need a parka. 

I’ve just finished reading Professional Troublemaker: A Fear Fighter’s Manual by Luvvie Ajayi Jones – an amazingly funny, astute woman from Chicago whose late Nigerian grandmother is her muse, her hero and her mentor, and to whose memory she has dedicated this book. Toward the end of the book, she tells her readers to get a Nigerian friend – to gas you up and keep you humble, all while making sure you’re not living a shrinking life. We could all use Luvvie in our lives, let me tell you. Whether she knows it or not, she has become my Nigerian friend – solidified by years of following her on social, and now reading her latest book. If you don’t know Luvvie, I suggest you go find her, follow her on Facebook or Instagram. She is the outspoken, truth-telling sister you’ve never had and always needed. Go. Do it now.

I’m tending the leg of lamb that is wrapped in wet newspaper on the grill. The grill temp cannot climb higher than 350 or go lower than 300 or the meat won’t cook the way it is meant to. It already smells wonderful and we’ve got at least two more hours to go. So here I sit, typing away, on the back porch in the sun hoping to not need the wearable blanket my child gave me for my birthday. 

One of the nicest gifts I received this birthday was not a thing (though I did receive many lovely things) but the words of my gorgeous cousin, urging me to continue writing, to attempt the book I’d always said I wanted to write but have either been too lazy or too busy (or, really, too afraid) to begin. She is one of this blog’s regular readers and has encouraged me to continue even when I feel like I have nothing to say.  So often, I sit down at the computer with words swirling around in my head, and then they all seem to run straight out through my ears the minute I try to commit them to (I was going to type paper, but we know that’s not right) to the page. There’s so much to write about and yet, it is so personal and seemingly trivial, that I second-guess myself and tell myself that hardly anyone would care, so why bother?

That was another book I read recently, by Jennifer Louden: Why Bother? I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I am looking at everything with considerable side-eye and I needed someone else to tell me that it is worth it.  The side-eye is mostly for myself. Like, who am I to think that my experience would have any value to anyone beside me? Well, according to Luvvie, Why the hell NOT me? Why wouldn’t my experience be of value? After all, I am a WHOLE ME. So.  Be on the lookout. I’ll be dropping some stuff here. 

We’ve been sitting and staring at the same four walls for more than a year now, thankfully connected via wifi to our friends and family, but it just isn’t the same. Tomorrow, I become eligible for vaccination in my state and you can bet your sweet bippie that I will be online and on the phone looking to get that shot as fast as I possibly can. Because, people! Travel! Wineries!

I was just reading an article in the New York Times titled “We Have All Hit The Wall.” Everyone, no matter their age, occupation or station in life, is suffering from the brain-drain associated with the long-term constants this pandemic has wrought: anxiety and boredom. Combined together, these never-ending conditions have had consequences that look like mental exhaustion, lack of inspiration, lack of motivation. When the routines are exactly the same and the surroundings don’t change, the human brain can become as drab and dull as our days seem to be. I feel better about my lack of enthusiasm now that I know that I am in good company. I feel less guilty about my own lack of motivation in response to pandemic-brain. Pandemic-brain dullness and lack of motivation is like how I feel about laundry: I will wash it, I will put it in the dryer, but OH GOOD GOD do not make me fold it. That just saps all the energy right from my body. I will walk past unfolded laundry piles for months. And then I will get annoyed that everyone else is walking past those same piles, unfazed, and that will further my resolve NOT to fold the laundry, even if I had the energy. Same with piles of things around the house. I see them, and I just want to un-see them and go about my day. I have zero energy to confront the laundry or the piles of things. That is how this ongoing pandemic life feels. I have no energy for it. I can only hope that vaccination brings about a change in the brainscape.

Whatever the scholars wind up calling this syndrome in future psychology textbooks, it is infinitely worse for people with ADHD. This HAS to be making their brains just want to check out altogether. I applaud all these fine people who are fighting their own tendencies of giving up and continue to wake up, shower, brush their teeth, comb their hair and do whatever work is in front of them. People, this is hard for the neurotypicals. Imagine how insanely difficult it is for everyone else?

And now that I have rambled on and on with no apparent rhyme or reason, I will leave you with this. We are in a period of recovery and we must give each other and ourselves grace as we take three steps forward and one step back. As long as the main direction continues to be forward, we are all in good shape. And I will fight the brain-drain and continue to write. 

Now go read some Luvvie.